∑ilage

i always knew there were others out there who loved the honey badger as much as i do.

now the whole world can see how awesome they are.

note the themesong from buffy the vampire slayer. hilarious.

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Earlier in this blog, i hated on the Dallas Mavericks. i mean, i hated on them a lot. I called them a crappy team that only shoots free throws. I called dirk Nowitski a 7 ft tall coward who's only real skill was jumpshooting. after last night's loss to golden state, i feel vindicated.

dirk was harrassed into a 2-13 crapfest. baron davis put up 20 after straining his hamstring, and jason richardson (pictured above), simply eviscerated the mavericks with dunks and jump shots.

everyone kept waiting for the mavericks to win, and i just kept on laughing. one writer for si.com even said that, down 2-3, the mavs "have the warriors exactly where they want them." what a stupid fucking joke. man, sports journalist can be so stupid.

now i just can't wait for the MVP ceremony, where dirk nowitski wins the award (because journalists are too busy looking at box scores instead of offenses), only to receive it in someone else's gym. please let it be in houston as they host the warriors.

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3 flagrants against the bulls in the last year, and last night you come smashing into at least 2 bulls players with no provocation? A month ago he gets hit with drunk driving and hanging out in the road and shouting with slurred speech? What psychosis are you hiding mr. posey?

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I"m kinda feeling sorry for him lately. His team is playing so poorly. His teammates aren't even teammates. He should really buy one of the "i'm with T.O." t-shirts i'll be printing off soon, which commemorate the failure of one's team over oneself. i'll use mine for ultimate rec league, but i'm sure kobe will use his for a higher purpose.

lakers lose 126-98? it's like 80s basketball all over again.

Since times are tough for kobe, let's just go back in time a while back and imagine...why, o why could this photo have been taken? on what occasion was it made? surely it was a happier time than now...

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So yes, everyone, it is in fact awesome to pick out gratuitously self-fashioned hipsters and have some evil laughs at their expense. And yes, their reflexive obsession with their own status as a subculture is utterly obnoxious. And the fixed-gear bicycles, unnecessary jackets, and overall hatred for sleeves makes me physically ill. really--it really really does.

And ya'll fools certainly love you some hipster hating. you have even gone so far as to call me a hipster, citing my computer, sports of choice, enthusiasm for the decemberists, and topic of academic specialization as evidence for my guilt.

well, it turns out beating up on hipsters isn't so simple.

humor me here.

meet mr. hipster. he's rocking a nice ak-47 sleeveless and an old cardigan to top off his lady wranglers from 1996. what we see is that the key to hipsters is that they think they're outside everything, that they are in unique and hip in a strategically ugly kind of way. they're bicycles make no sense. their clothing stinks like shit. they could easily choke to death on their own haircuts. doesn't matter to hipsters tho, cuz they're having fun knowing they're outside your crappy popular culture.

now meet mr. academic/intellectual/hipster-hater who thinks he's so fucking clever. he's rocking....wait, what does he wear? what does he listen to? what are his hobbies? why, i just don't know! it seems like this person doesn't own any clothes, listens to no music, and has no interests. in fact, mr. academic/intellectual/hipster-hater who-thinks-he's-so-fucking-clever is completely immune to criticism! or at least, this is how he acts when he disses you for liking fuckin "yankee bayonet."

bitch please. fact is, hipsterism is a kind of know-it-all posture that makes someone think they're better than everyone else just because they think they're really into something authentic and interesting that no one else gets or cares about. just like too many people who hang their hats on hating hipsters. hipsterism is a subjectivity (yeah, i said it) and you don't have to be wearing a fucking trucker hat to adopt it.

so the next time you wanna hate on some skinny ass stinkin' half-human-half-dog whizzing by on a hopelessly stupid bike, take a look at your own shit and find something more important (or logical) to be righteous or angry about. want a place to start? Rick Santorum still has a job.

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So last friday i got reported for a noise violation for having 5 people sit on my porch with me. If i get another one anytime soon (like say, walk outside and fart loudly), then apparently it's a 200 dollar ticket. yeehaw. i guess i should just live it up and park a derelict vehicle in the front yard and start drinking outside full time.

i just know my downstairs neighbor reported me, because 1) he was the only one home besides me, 2) he goes to bed at 10pm on any given night, 3) i need someone to blame. but really that neighbor, for all i've complained about him, isn't really a big deal.

my other neighbor, on the other hand, is a fucking creep. his codename is "tater tot" because he apparently eats a lot of them. talking to him makes me uneasey. he has a certain serial killer bashfulness about him, yet he always insists on coming into your house and staying for a while so he can engage you in meaningless conversations that just about throw it up in your face that he has no real interest in talking; he just wants to invade your space.

even creepier is that he keeps peering in the windows of my house. there have been a few incidents in the last two weeks where he walks by a window wearing some grandma shades and a north face headband and just gives us all a little peek. he even knocks on my door at 3 am. one time i was so alarmed i almost smashed him with a maglight because i thought he was a robber or something.

i am confident that one day i will see the inside of his apartment and discover pieces of half eaten bodies.

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He obviously is living in my sock drawer or some place really close. Sometimes I think i hear his mechanical breathing at night. Either way, his handiwork is obvious and pretty crappy-feeling. Here's a screenshot from weather.com, Februrary 15, 11:56 pm, zip code 61801.

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Over a foot of snow. Gusts in excess of 40mph. Temperature below zero with wind chill. Yes, this was my first blizzard, and i gotta say it was colder than a mu'fucker.

My housemates and I decided that we needed to go to war, so we went around our neighborhood, hiding outside their house, and then i would make a really horrible phone call about like this:

Michael: hi dave, it's michael. hey, i was walking around [completely out of my way in blizzard conditions] and i'm right by your house!

Dave: oh yeah?

Michael: yeah, you gotta come outside and check this out. There's some totally fucked up shit out here.

Dave: what is it?

Michael: you'll see. hurry up though

Ambush would ensue. For one person, we even dug a snow grave and put her in it. All victims would then get recruited for the next target. We ended up at christopher and kim's house, where they turned the awful wrath of the snow shovel on us and covered us all in snow. Then we all posed for pictures.

The fake cigarrette i'm sporting that looks more like a tampon was a completely goofy and spontaneous decision. I've been watching so many movies with smokers in them, i guess subconsciously i want to emulate them. In retrospect, I think i look like one part douchebag and one part evil european ski goon from a 70s james bond movie.

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