∑ilage

Meet the Mavs! They're everyone's favorite Western Conference Contender! They have Dirk Nowitski, the NBA's best 7 foot jump shooter! They have Mark Cuban, a free styling business "maverick" if there ever was one! They have the second best record in the West at 14-6! Go Mavs!

All of the exclamation points are just a way of thinly concealing my seething hatred for the Dallas Mavericks, of course. I just can't stand their brand of "small ball," "uptempo," and "breakneck" basketball.

When Phoenix does this kind of basketball, it works; several shooters get open on the floor because they outrun their defenders, active playmakers dribble penetrate the defense, and athletic and talented bigs are leaping to the rim for dunks, ally-oops, and lay-ups. Rebounding and defense don't matter to the system because it's small, fast, and scores a lot. Did i mention it's a joy to watch?

The Mavs wish they could do this. The Suns have Steve Nash. He's a god among point guards and a brilliant play maker. The Mavs have fucking Jason Terry and Devin Harris. They suck crusty old jock strap. They look like a cat on LSD when they flop to the basket. Earlier this year when the Mavs saw the nets, i saw Devin Harris dribble, pop the ball in the air and hold his hands out as to say "i don't have possession anymore," then--no shit--he picks the ball up and starts dribbling again thinking that he could outsmart the double dribble/travel rules. What a fool. This batch craplickers only approximate small ball, and here's how a typical game breaks down:

Terry and Harris hurl themselves at the basket, take advantage of new league contact rules, and draw a bunch of shooting fouls. They couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with their shots, but it doesn't matter. They go to the line. Then, Nowitski takes pot shots at the rim til he gets on the board (and no one can guard this coward because he's 7 feet tall, so he gets any jump shot he wants), then he throws himself at the rim like his two buddies. Eric Dampier stands around and gets upset because he's doesn't feel like part of the defense, then wheezes up and down the floor because his father was probably an ogre. On the sidelines, Mark Cuban is busy hitting on a 13 year old jr. high cheerleader and snorting coke out of an airline courtesy bag.

The results are pretty ridiculous--a team that goes to the line all the time, killing the pace of the game and filling up the other team with personal fouls. Don't forget their annoying owner who won't leave the referees alone. bo-ring!

We should now be reminded that i can't play basketball to save my life. But as a fan that knows a little more than jack squat, this shit irritates the hell out of me.

In the first quarter of tonights Jazz-Mavs game, midway through the first half, the jazz shot only 6 free throws, while the mavs had shot 20. The game was reasonable then. As soon as Utah starts evening out in its FT attempts, the game gets blown open to a 20+ point game in the Jazz's favor.

Their field goal percentage was 37 percent, and they shot 15 percent from the 3 point line.

What a joke, and they almost won the championship last year, except Dwayne Wade used the same strategy against them and wins. I guess i would think that would be poetic justice if i weren't busy trying to separate my head from my neck out of rage because the whole thing is just so fucking stupid. Also, these hijinx rake in millions of dollars.

I know i'm not the only one who hates the mavs. I know you're out there. Chime in with some of your own hate or statistics-based loathing.