∑ilage

i always knew there were others out there who loved the honey badger as much as i do.

now the whole world can see how awesome they are.

note the themesong from buffy the vampire slayer. hilarious.

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Earlier in this blog, i hated on the Dallas Mavericks. i mean, i hated on them a lot. I called them a crappy team that only shoots free throws. I called dirk Nowitski a 7 ft tall coward who's only real skill was jumpshooting. after last night's loss to golden state, i feel vindicated.

dirk was harrassed into a 2-13 crapfest. baron davis put up 20 after straining his hamstring, and jason richardson (pictured above), simply eviscerated the mavericks with dunks and jump shots.

everyone kept waiting for the mavericks to win, and i just kept on laughing. one writer for si.com even said that, down 2-3, the mavs "have the warriors exactly where they want them." what a stupid fucking joke. man, sports journalist can be so stupid.

now i just can't wait for the MVP ceremony, where dirk nowitski wins the award (because journalists are too busy looking at box scores instead of offenses), only to receive it in someone else's gym. please let it be in houston as they host the warriors.

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3 flagrants against the bulls in the last year, and last night you come smashing into at least 2 bulls players with no provocation? A month ago he gets hit with drunk driving and hanging out in the road and shouting with slurred speech? What psychosis are you hiding mr. posey?

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I"m kinda feeling sorry for him lately. His team is playing so poorly. His teammates aren't even teammates. He should really buy one of the "i'm with T.O." t-shirts i'll be printing off soon, which commemorate the failure of one's team over oneself. i'll use mine for ultimate rec league, but i'm sure kobe will use his for a higher purpose.

lakers lose 126-98? it's like 80s basketball all over again.

Since times are tough for kobe, let's just go back in time a while back and imagine...why, o why could this photo have been taken? on what occasion was it made? surely it was a happier time than now...

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So yes, everyone, it is in fact awesome to pick out gratuitously self-fashioned hipsters and have some evil laughs at their expense. And yes, their reflexive obsession with their own status as a subculture is utterly obnoxious. And the fixed-gear bicycles, unnecessary jackets, and overall hatred for sleeves makes me physically ill. really--it really really does.

And ya'll fools certainly love you some hipster hating. you have even gone so far as to call me a hipster, citing my computer, sports of choice, enthusiasm for the decemberists, and topic of academic specialization as evidence for my guilt.

well, it turns out beating up on hipsters isn't so simple.

humor me here.

meet mr. hipster. he's rocking a nice ak-47 sleeveless and an old cardigan to top off his lady wranglers from 1996. what we see is that the key to hipsters is that they think they're outside everything, that they are in unique and hip in a strategically ugly kind of way. they're bicycles make no sense. their clothing stinks like shit. they could easily choke to death on their own haircuts. doesn't matter to hipsters tho, cuz they're having fun knowing they're outside your crappy popular culture.

now meet mr. academic/intellectual/hipster-hater who thinks he's so fucking clever. he's rocking....wait, what does he wear? what does he listen to? what are his hobbies? why, i just don't know! it seems like this person doesn't own any clothes, listens to no music, and has no interests. in fact, mr. academic/intellectual/hipster-hater who-thinks-he's-so-fucking-clever is completely immune to criticism! or at least, this is how he acts when he disses you for liking fuckin "yankee bayonet."

bitch please. fact is, hipsterism is a kind of know-it-all posture that makes someone think they're better than everyone else just because they think they're really into something authentic and interesting that no one else gets or cares about. just like too many people who hang their hats on hating hipsters. hipsterism is a subjectivity (yeah, i said it) and you don't have to be wearing a fucking trucker hat to adopt it.

so the next time you wanna hate on some skinny ass stinkin' half-human-half-dog whizzing by on a hopelessly stupid bike, take a look at your own shit and find something more important (or logical) to be righteous or angry about. want a place to start? Rick Santorum still has a job.

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So last friday i got reported for a noise violation for having 5 people sit on my porch with me. If i get another one anytime soon (like say, walk outside and fart loudly), then apparently it's a 200 dollar ticket. yeehaw. i guess i should just live it up and park a derelict vehicle in the front yard and start drinking outside full time.

i just know my downstairs neighbor reported me, because 1) he was the only one home besides me, 2) he goes to bed at 10pm on any given night, 3) i need someone to blame. but really that neighbor, for all i've complained about him, isn't really a big deal.

my other neighbor, on the other hand, is a fucking creep. his codename is "tater tot" because he apparently eats a lot of them. talking to him makes me uneasey. he has a certain serial killer bashfulness about him, yet he always insists on coming into your house and staying for a while so he can engage you in meaningless conversations that just about throw it up in your face that he has no real interest in talking; he just wants to invade your space.

even creepier is that he keeps peering in the windows of my house. there have been a few incidents in the last two weeks where he walks by a window wearing some grandma shades and a north face headband and just gives us all a little peek. he even knocks on my door at 3 am. one time i was so alarmed i almost smashed him with a maglight because i thought he was a robber or something.

i am confident that one day i will see the inside of his apartment and discover pieces of half eaten bodies.

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He obviously is living in my sock drawer or some place really close. Sometimes I think i hear his mechanical breathing at night. Either way, his handiwork is obvious and pretty crappy-feeling. Here's a screenshot from weather.com, Februrary 15, 11:56 pm, zip code 61801.

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Over a foot of snow. Gusts in excess of 40mph. Temperature below zero with wind chill. Yes, this was my first blizzard, and i gotta say it was colder than a mu'fucker.

My housemates and I decided that we needed to go to war, so we went around our neighborhood, hiding outside their house, and then i would make a really horrible phone call about like this:

Michael: hi dave, it's michael. hey, i was walking around [completely out of my way in blizzard conditions] and i'm right by your house!

Dave: oh yeah?

Michael: yeah, you gotta come outside and check this out. There's some totally fucked up shit out here.

Dave: what is it?

Michael: you'll see. hurry up though

Ambush would ensue. For one person, we even dug a snow grave and put her in it. All victims would then get recruited for the next target. We ended up at christopher and kim's house, where they turned the awful wrath of the snow shovel on us and covered us all in snow. Then we all posed for pictures.

The fake cigarrette i'm sporting that looks more like a tampon was a completely goofy and spontaneous decision. I've been watching so many movies with smokers in them, i guess subconsciously i want to emulate them. In retrospect, I think i look like one part douchebag and one part evil european ski goon from a 70s james bond movie.

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Vegas. I went there. It kinda sucked.

Ok, so maybe that's too simplistic. I loved the lights, the cool buildings, the illusion of being in a higher class than what i really occupy, the casinos, and the weather.

I hated the slums, the constant noise of slot machines, the boldfaced exploitation of the poor communities around the casinos, the blue faced and desperate people in front of the slot machines, and the dry air that made my lips crack into a million pieces.

Admittedly though, being able to drink a beer in the car is pretty sweet too.

But what really threw me for a loop about las vegas was Casesar's Palace.

Look, here's the caesar they got waiting for you when you walk in the door.


Look familiar? If you guessed Augustus, you are correct! Why, this is a replica of the Augustus of Prima Porta, created to celebrate Augustus' sea victory over his rivals in order to secure his power as emperor in 27 B.C.

Augustus pretty much ran his empire on a family values-type campaign. Everyone had to worship the gods properly, no excessive venery or whoring (and yes earv, there is a such thing), and families had to be traditional, pious, and orderly.

So my first reaction is: why the fuck is this guy in front of a casino? Shouldn't gambling be exactly what Augustus was against? What a strange irony.

Turns out, that's only true if you equate today's insane family values people with ancient Rome's insane family values people (or maybe both are just hypocrites) For Augustus, gambling was ok. So much in fact that he did it himself.

Augustus was a slave to gambling and did it an awful lot. This was before the days of the colliseum, mind you, so gambling probably involved betting games like "how many tits are on this she-wolf" and "dungeon dice," but the fact remains that the ole guy was all Charles Barkley about games of chance.

Turns out though, one of Augustus' favorite passtimes was dice. I can just imagine some old roman dude pitching the ole bones into a cardboard box. Hooray.

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So these are definitely worth the 5 bucks it costs to get them. I'm already dreaming of ways to use them. I know i could make them myself, but i really want to give money to whoever thought of this wonderful idea.

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i would look like this. this one is not shaven, and it's ready to play ultimtate frisbee. it's also swarthy. i couldn't photoshop in the sweat stains on the visor to do it justice, or the flies buzzing around my unwashed shorts. oh well.

check this site to make your own branded candy identity. it's super fun!

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...at least she's all mine.

That's right all you technodorks with your nintendo DS systems and Xboxes and shit, eat your rotten little hearts out. This here's a genuine fuckin Atari 2600 "video computer system."

Instead of playing with a fake dog or flirting with sim-animals, I dilligently protect the world from communist warheads in "Missile Command." Sure the missiles all look alike, sure the Atari version of nuclear war is no more disturbing than a fart; it's a well put together game that gets better with age. Can YOU beat my score of 25,130? I didn't think so.

Likewise with "Pitfall" the classic platform action series dedicated to helping the great white explorer find riches in the jungle. Strangely, he never runs into any people who actually live there... Frustrating, primitive, but completely addictive. I cannot stop playing this game whenever my housemates aren't watching postfeminist dramas or Dr. shows.

My point is this dudes: the Atari is a lost treasure. And now i have one (thanks christopher, for this most generous birthday gift). Which means now, come to think of it, i have treasure. I know all of you will be lining up to be playing it with me soon. Just make sure to check your new stuff at the door and then we'll all have a grand ole time.

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Here are some photos of me and my nephew. He is very bright and a quick study. Here, he masters the slovenly art of eating directly from the whipped cream can in about 10 seconds.

I'm sure there are all kinds of bad consequences that will come with this new skill, but i'm proud to own up to teaching him anyway.

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To whom it may concern:

unfortuneately i must report a vioation of ethics on my campus. Terra Walston, an employee of the English department at the university of Illinois, has shown herself unable to reason through ethical problems relating to complimentary gifts and free merchandise. Naively, she stateed out loud "couldn't you accept a product for free if you were to write an evaluation of that product?" I believe this was covered on the 3rd portion of the ethics exam that all state employees were required to take. I also believe she is firmly in the wrong.

As someone who has failed her ethics test in practice, she has fallen below the acceptable metric for "good" behavior. she is clearly a threat to state security, nay, state sanity, and i recommend that her mind be destroyed, though her body may remain intact for the purposes of pro bono medical experiments. I'm sorry to report such a tragic event, but hopefully we can all work together to turn a "minus" into a "plus."

in righteousness,

Michael Simeone

Ph. D Student and Instructor
English, Film, and Media
University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign

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A long time ago, i was at the little rock airport dropping my brother off for a flight he had to take. When i returned to my car (88 cadillac sedan deville), it was clear that someone had broken into my dear ghettolac. the rear right door was left open and my stuff had obviously been rifled through. But nothing had been taken. Not even my old polar fleece jacket, not even my cds.

it dawned on me then that i need not fear theft, because i had nothing valuable to steal. i was comforted by this zen-like emptiness reminiscent of winston the cat.

today, i noticed that my bike had been stolen off my porch. It was just gone. When i walked out to the place where it used to be though, i noticed 100 feet to my right that my bike was crashed on the ground in front of the neighbor's house.

you see, my bike did not have a functioning chain, had two flat tires, and no machinery to bring about any kind of gear change (it disassembled itself and tumbled into the street this spring). so the would-be theif probably stumbled and cursed for about 30 meters before giving up and throwing my bike into the mud.

so i walked over to my poor baby, picked it up, carried it home, and hooked it back up to my porch. it will now continue in its role of letting me look at it and think about fixing it, as well as getting rained and snowed on.

hooray for me! i just hope i never have children.

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"My dear penguins, we stand upon a great threshold! It's alright to be scared; most of you won't be coming back. But, thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish ALL of God's children!"

-The Penguin, (Batman Returns, 1992)

It's all true. It's all so fucking true.

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